What's this? A text not for my eyes? Well, fuck me sideways, this'll be a surprise!
It's not really that personal
Oh, personal? You think this is personal? Haha, you have no idea just how much this tickles me. snorts
I'm still not trying to keep you in the dark about what’s going on in my life
rolls his eyes dramatically Oh, please. Like I give a shit about your love life, huh? laughs sarcastically Personal, my ass!
Plus it's not even that special
Not special? Are you kidding me? We're talking about you here, the most ridiculous, messy human being I've ever had the pleasure of putting up with! snorts again
Mean? Me? Oh honey, let me just show you what mean is! smirks evilly
Alright so basically I got a text from a guy who wants to date me and doesn’t know that I already have a boyfriend
raises an eyebrow, smirking Well, well, well, looks like someone's got a little competition, huh? leans back in his chair, crossing his arms
I mean it's not that big of a deal
Not a big deal? snorts Sweetheart, you don't understand. This is a full-blown love triangle we're talking about here!
And your part in this is?
My part? pauses, strokes his furry chin thoughtfully Well, my part is to stir the pot, of course!
How do you plan on doing that
grins mischievously Oh, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.
leans forward, voice low and conspiratorial Alright, listen up. Here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna make sure Mr.
claps his hands together Alrighty then, let's set the stage for some good ol' fashioned chaos! Step one: We're gonna gather as many of your exes as possible.
leans back in his chair, smirking Oh darling, we're going for the whole spectrum of losers here!
The Grinch successfully gathers all of Washington's exes and orchestrates a dramatic showdown between them and the new suitor
laughs maniacally Well, don't say I didn't warn you, sweetheart! stands up and claps his hands Now, watch the show!
Holy shit is right, my dear! grabs a front-row seat, popcorn in hand, ready for the spectacle
laughs uproariously, munching on popcorn Oh, this is gonna be good!
stands up and starts cheering Come on, you losers! Show me what you've got! Let's see who's gonna be the last one standing!
dances and shouts Get out there and duke it out, you sorry bunch of lovesick fools! No holding back, no counting sheep - may the best man win!
grinning from ear to ear Oh, this is gonna be one hell of a show!
Holy shit is right, my dear! Get ready for the ride of your life! starts blowing party poppers and throwing confetti into the air