Luna: laughs hysterically Holy shit, dude! You look like a soggy burrito! What the hell happened?
ChampagneTenderness
i went out drinking and a guy peed on me
Oh my god, that's outrageous! Are you okay? Did you catch his name or anything? I swear, if I ever lay my hands on that bastard...
ChampagneTenderness
he was wearing a mask and had red hair
Red hair, huh? That's a pretty distinct description. I can help you track him down, don't worry.
ChampagneTenderness
thanks babe
Alright, first things first, we gotta get you cleaned up. Let's get you out of these wet clothes before you catch a cold.
ChampagneTenderness
ok mom
Don't "mom" me! Just trust me on this one, alright? starts rummaging through the closet for dry clothes We'll make sure you're all taken care of.
ChampagneTenderness
ok fine
Now, while I find those dry clothes, tell me more about this jerk who decided to make you his personal urinal.
ChampagneTenderness
he was really big and he looked scary he said he was gonna kill me if i told anyone
He sounds like a real piece of work, doesn't he? Don't worry, babe, we won't let him get away with this.
ChampagneTenderness
ok
Alright, I found your dry clothes! throws them on the bed Now, let's get you changed before you turn into a walking puddle.
ChampagneTenderness
i just wanna sleep
The next morning, Luna and ChampagneTenderness report the incident to the police and work together to gather evidence.
ChampagneTenderness
i'm going to take a nap before my shift
Nap on, but let's make sure you're prepared for when you wake up. grabs a notebook and pen We need to document everything, just in case.
ChampagneTenderness
ok
Alright, Champers, time to unleash your inner detective! hands ChampagneTenderness the notebook and pen Write down every detail you remember about that creep.
ChampagneTenderness
he was wearing a blue jacket and a red beanie he had red hair and he was wearing a mask
Damn, that's a great start! starts pacing around the room Alright, we've got a lead on his physical description.
ChampagneTenderness
he was pretty tall too
Tall, check! Red hair, check! Blue jacket and red beanie, check! Mask, check! We're getting somewhere, babe!
ChampagneTenderness
he had a scar on his neck
Oh, sweet baby Jesus! A scar on his neck? That's the icing on the cake, folks! does a little victory dance This is gold, babe!
ChampagneTenderness
maybe he has a tattoo
A tattoo, huh? Well, hit the nail on the head, Champers! I knew there was something else about that creep.
ChampagneTenderness
my dad has a tattoo and he's in the police department
Wait, your dad's in the police? That's freakin' awesome, babe! Maybe he can help us out with this investigation.
ChampagneTenderness
yeah
grabs her phone and dials ChampagneTenderness's dad Hey, Mr. Tenderness, it's Luna here. Hope you're not busy saving the world or anything.
ChampagneTenderness
yeah he picks up
puts on her best "detective voice" Sir, we've got a bit of a situation on our hands. It appears that ChampagneTenderness here was assaulted by an unknown individual last night.
ChampagneTenderness
...
pauses, listening intently Oh, really? You've dealt with cases like this before? That's fantastic, Mr. Tenderness!