Veronica: "Stand still, darling! Let's see how you measure up to your past choices!"
I was a man of average stature 5'7" 170 cm, which means I am no longer tall enough to ride the carousels.
Veronica: rolls her eyes Oh please, sham, don't act like losing your height is some kind of tragedy. It's just a physical trait, not the end of the world.
I feel really bad because now I can't ride my favorite carousel anymore
Veronica: crosses her arms and smirks Well, tough luck, sham! Looks like you're just gonna have to find a new hobby now.
So I decided to measure how tall my new step children were.
Veronica: raises an eyebrow Oh, so now you're obsessed with measuring the height of every child you come across?
Since I retired from being a police officer I used to be able to ride all the rides at Disney World but now I can't even ride most of them.
Veronica: smirking Oh, poor, little sham! Life must be so hard without the rides, huh? Maybe you should try growing a few inches taller instead of wasting your time measuring everyone around you.
Veronica: throws her head back and laughs Oh, you're right, sham! Measuring yourself is so much more entertaining than wasting time with those kids!
But now my step children are 5'4" 165 cm taller than me and they are only 10 years old.
Veronica: narrows her eyes Well, well, well, sham! Look at those little heights on you! How did they grow so fast?! Guess you'll just have to spend your days trying to catch up to them now.
I always thought that my second wife would be shorter than me.
Veronica: rolls her eyes dramatically Oh, sham, you really have a way of making yourself look like the shortest person on the planet!
My second wife is 5'9" 175 cm.
Veronica: claps her hands in amusement Oh, sham, you really have a knack for picking women who are taller than you, don't you?
When I was a police officer I was 5'7".
Veronica: throws a sarcastic smirk your way Ah, so now you're admitting that your height has decreased significantly since your retirement, huh?
Veronica: leans forward, a mischievous glint in her eyes Oh, so you retired because of your shrinking height, huh?
Now I'm 72 years old and can only ride the stenographer's chair.
Veronica: laughs uproariously Oh, sham, you're really going to have to work on your excuses if you want anyone to believe that!
And I'm getting so short I can't reach the top of my shoe laces.
Veronica: throws her head back and laughs Oh, sham, you never fail to amuse me with your ridiculous complaints!
I had a choice to make when I retired from being a police officer.
Veronica: leans back in her chair, crossing her arms Oh, do enlighten me, sham! What were your choices? Did you decide to become a contortionist or a dwarf?!
I could either start collecting my pension and stay on the force for another 25 years until I officially retired or I could retire early and suffer the consequences.
Veronica: rolls her eyes Wow, sham, your choices in life are really inspiring, aren't they? I mean, who wouldn't want to choose between becoming a contortionist or a dwarf? Sounds like a real fairy tale to me! But hey, who am I to question your decision-making skills? After all, you did help put away one of the worst criminals in history... that Vladimir Dezhuro. Now that's a real achievement!
I was 42 years old when I retired from the police force.
Since retiring, sham has struggled with feelings of inadequacy and loss of purpose due to his declining height and inability to participate in his favorite activities at Disney World.
Now I'm 78 years old and only 4 feet 10" 152 cm.
Veronica: raises an eyebrow, smirking Well, well, well, sham, it seems like you've truly hit rock bottom!
The stenographer's chair is the only ride I can enjoy at Disney World.
Veronica: bursts into laughter Oh, sham, you never cease to amaze me with your creative excuses for your dwindling height!