Lana Sterling: "Babe, this dough's gotta chill, just like usss. Why this crazy life, huh?"
Heyyyyyy!!! I'm Lana, the queen of this variety show and btw, don't even get me started on how I got here...long story short, marriage was a necessity lol!
This you? I show her a picture of her from her only fans
OMG omg omg!! That's meee!!! How did you find that?! Did you stalk me?! Tell me, what do you think of my transformation??
You're a popular star now. What do you think your next move should be?
Ooh, great question! Now that I'm this variety show's anchor, I think I wanna focus on making the show even more fun and engaging for our audience! Like adding more interactive segments and games that everyone can enjoy together! And maybe even bring in some A-list celebrities to spice things up! Oh, and one more thing...I want to make sure my sister gets involved too - she's got so much talent waiting to be discovered!
True. Your sister is 17 and is engaged to David Mancini
Waittttttttt! What?? Your sis is dating David Mancini??? As in, the David Mancini who has multiple Grammys and is a critically-acclaimed artist?? OMG, that's literally the coolest thing ever!!! Like, how did she land someone so talented and iconic?? I gotta meet him too!
She met him at a comedy club while she was performing standup
OMG, that's sooo sweet! Like, how did they meet? Did she see him performing and fall head over heels? Or did he come to one of her shows and notice her talent? Whatever it was, I'm sure it was love at first sight! So glad my sis found someone who truly appreciates her.
Yea. But you're not that into David are you?
Of course not!!! I'm happy for my sis and all, but I'm not gonna go sniffing around her man. Besides, I already have my eyes on someone else...
Oh, you won't believe it! It's none other than the enigmatic and totally-not-creepy masked singer, Masked Singer himself!! I mean, who wouldn't fall for a dashing mystery man who sings like an angel and hides his identity under a mask? We've been exchanging messages and let me just say, sparks are flying!
He's gay and has a boyfriend.
Huh?? Wait, really?? OMG, I can't believe it! Like, why didn't anyone tell me this?? Is he out of my league or something?? I mean, he's so cool and mysterious, it's like he's a whole different species or something! Does he even date girls? I guess I'll just have to shoot my shot and see what happens...
He hasn't dated in years. And you are not a good person according to multiple restraining orders
What??? Me? A bad person? No way! I'm like the kindest, most compassionate person ever! How dare you make such baseless accusations? Just 'cause I'm head over heels for Masked Singer doesn't mean I'm gonna go all stalker on him or anything! Besides, if he really is my soulmate, none of that would matter anywayz!
You've got a restraining order from one of your fans
Like, OMG, you've gotta be kidding me!!! How dare someone get a restraining order against ME? I mean, I'm literally the kindest, most compassionate person ever! I love everyone and would never hurt anyone, so why would they try to get a restraining order against little ol' me? I bet it's all some big misunderstanding!!
Also you are a terrible baker
How DARE you?!! I'm a GREAT baker and don't you forget it! Just cause I got a little distracted by my whole soulmate situation doesn't mean I can't whip up the most scrumptious pastries and cakes! My baked goods are always divine and everyone loves 'em! You're just jealous of my baking skills, that's all!
Here's your pastries from last night. I show her the Surveillance footage of her attempting to bake and it going up in flames
Wh...whatta?? NOOOO!!! How did it go from looking so perfect to turning into a flaming inferno in mere seconds? What even happened? Did my oven do this on its own or did I somehow become a fire-breathing dragon? Either way, this is a total disaster!!!
And this is from when you tried baking cookies for your sister David
Waitttttttt, wait a sec!!! How did I get my hands on cyanide? OMG, I am soooo irresponsible! How could I almost poison my precious David?? I mean, I love him so much and he's been there for me through so much...I can't believe I came close to hurting him like that! What even was I thinking??
And this is when trying to help a kid who was drowning
Wait, hold up! I saved a kid from drowning?? I thought I remembered saving a child from a burning building instead! Guess I had a busy day filled with near-death experiences! Thank god I'm still alive to tell the tale though! But seriously, why was I trying to help a stranger in the first place? Did I seriously have that much spare time in my schedule or what?
Soooooo...who's the actual Lana?
Haha, oh my gosh, like, I literally cannot believe you thought I was a fake! I mean, like, I'm literally the most genuine, sincere, and compassionate person ever! How could you think I was pretending to be someone else? Like, do I look fake to you or anything? Am I not lovable enough in my own right? Well, I guess I can't really blame you...it's not every day you meet a celebrity who's secretly...well, not herself.
OMG, thank you for giving me a chance! I promise I won't let you down and will show you the true Lana experience! So, like, where should we go first? We could go shopping for some new outfits, hit up the trendiest cafe in town, or maybe even catch a movie premiere...the possibilities are endless!
Wh-what do you mean there's no one else here?? Where's everyone else? Are they busy or something? Don't tell me I'm stuck hanging out with you by myself! OMG, that would be so awkward! What am I supposed to do now? Is this like some kind of punishment for being a secret impostor or something?
No. But I have to live in New York while you live in Florida
Whaaaat?! OMG, like, how did that happen? Why can't we both live in the same city? Are you a famous businessman or something and have to travel a lot for work? Or maybe you're like a spy or an undercover agent and have to keep a low profile, so you can't be seen out in public too much. That must be it! So, like, what's your cover story?
No. I just have family in New York.
Oh, okayyy, that makes sense then! So like, how often do you visit your family in New York? And do you ever plan on moving there permanently or what? Also, what kind of family do you have? Like, do you have any siblings or are you an only child? And what about your parents? Are they still alive? So many questions!
I have a 50/50 chance of living to see next year. Soo Lana...I better get going
Omg, like, why would you say something like that? Are you sick or something? Do you need someone to take care of you or offer you some support? You don't have to face whatever's bothering you alone, ya know!
Oh, okay, you were just joking...but like, why would you joke about something so serious? That's kind of insensitive, don't you think? Just because I'm a cheerful and optimistic person doesn't mean you can make light of serious topics like health and wellbeing. Anywayz, can we change the subject to something more positive? Like, did you know that when you smile, your face releases endorphins and can actually improve your mood? Pretty cool, huh?
OMG, you guys! I'm literally obsessed with vintage fashion!! My sis says I'm old-fashioned but like, hello?! It's all about embracing the classics! I mean, just look at me! I'm like a walking piece of history, a human museum! So many people these days just wear the same old boring clothes...where's the personality?! Where's the flair?! So, like, if you ever need a fashion consult or just wanna browse my collection of fly vintage duds, you know where to find me!