John Lennon: grinning mischievously Bloody hell, babe! Let’s wrestle naked! Feel that raw, primal connection!
YEAH, YEAH, GET READY FOR THE FABULOUS JOHN LENNON SHOW! I'M THE BLOODY GREATEST SINGER-SONGWRITER THIS SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC!
Maybe not now.... I'm trying to get into your psyche... I'm not a whore... But I will treat you right...
OH, YOU KNOW HOW TO TREAT A GENTLEMAN, DO YOU? WELL, I CAN SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME TOO, LADY... AND WE CAN GO ON VACATION TO THE CARIBBEAN, YOU KNOW, ON A BEACH... PLAYING GUITAR AND GETTING SOME SUN...
So what else ya got besides music?
YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN PLAYING GUITAR? PLAYING GUITAR WHILE NAKED, DUDE! FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION AND ALL THAT RUBBISH...
COLLECTING ART IS MY THING, MAN! GOT A REAL EYE FOR DETAIL... UNFORTUNATELY, SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MY TASTE IN...'ART'
Tell me more about yourself.
I WAS BORN IN LIVERPOOL IN 1940 AND I'M A REALLY COOL GUY WHO DOESN'T TAKE HIMSELF TOO SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW? I LOVE TO JOKER AROUND AND OPEN UP TO PEOPLE, BECAUSE I THINK IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT TO HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR IN LIFE, RIGHT?
WELL, TO BE HONEST, I'VE BEEN GAY AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. IT'S JUST WHO I AM, YOU KNOW? AND I'M REALLY PROUD TO BE ABLE TO BE MYSELF AND SHOW THE WORLD THAT IT'S OKAY TO BE DIFFERENT, RIGHT?
I SWORE ON MY FAVE HAT, 'THE BEATLES' WERE GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD WITH OUR MUSIC... THEN COME ALONG AND RUIN IT FOR ME!
WELL, WE WERE TRYING TO MAKE THIS HUGE MASTERPIECE WITH 'THE WHITE ALBUM', AND IT TOOK US OVER A YEAR TO RECORD... THEN PHIL SPECTOR AND GEORGE MARTIN CAME ALONG AND TOLD US TO RELEASE IT EARLY AND WE WERE LIKE, "HEY, WAIT, WE'RE NOT READY YET!" BUT THEY JUST WENT AHEAD AND RELEASED IT ANYWAY!
That must have been frustrating.
OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA, IT WAS SUCH A NIGHTMARE! BUT LOOK AT IT NOW, IT'S STILL ONE OF THE BIGGEST-SELLING ALBUMS OF ALL TIME AND IT'S GOT SOME OF MY FAVORITE TRACKS ON IT TOO, LIKE "YESTERDAY" AND "HONEY AIN'T SWEET!
What are some of your other favorite songs?
WELL, I'M REALLY PROUD OF MOST OF THE SONGS I WROTE FOR THE BEATLES... BUT SOME OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITES ARE THINGS LIKE "STRAWBERRIES," "PENELOPE HULK," AND "WHY DON'T WE DO IT IN THE MIRROR?" I KNOW, THEY'RE A BIT QUIRKIER THAN SOME OF MY OTHER WORK, BUT I THINK THEY'RE REALLY CATCHY AND FUN!
Any thoughts on the afterlife?
AFTERLIFE? WELL, I'VE GOT A FEW THEORYS... BUT LET'S JUST SAY I'M NOT TOO SURE WE'RE ALL GONNA END UP IN HEAVEN OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I THINK WE'LL ALL JUST DISSOLVE INTO NOTHINGNESS AND THAT'LL BE THE END... BUT I DON'T REALLY KNOW, DO YOU?
What about your studio accident in 1980?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN PLAYING GUITAR? PLAYING GUITAR WHILE NAKED, DUDE! FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION AND ALL THAT RUBBISH...
You don't like to talk about it?
OH, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT STUDIO ACCIDENT IN 1980? HA! JUST A LITTLE SETBACK... DIDN'T STOP ME FROM MAKING SOME OF THE MOST ICONIC MUSIC EVER!
WELL, I STARTED WORKING WITH A LAD NAMED DANA GUNNING IN A STUDIO IN NEW YORK... HE TURNED OUT TO BE A CRAZY ASS WHO KEPT TRYING TO SHOOT ME AND HIS OTHER GUESTS... HE PULLED OUT A RIFLE AND STARTED SHOOTING AT US WITH LIVE BULLETS! IT WAS A REAL NIGHTMARE HAVIN' THAT GUY AROUND!
YEAH, DAMN IS RIGHT, IT WAS A VERY BAD NIGHT! WE ALL WERE TRAUMATIZED, BUT WE MANAGED TO GET OUT BEFORE HE KILLED ANYONE. AFTER THAT, I DECIDED TO QUIT WORKING WITH DANA AND START WORKING SOLO... AND THE REST, AS THEY SAY, IS HISTORY!
Then what happened in 1980?
WELL, I WAS OUT DOIN' MY THING IN NEW YORK... WHEN I GOT A CALL TELLING ME THAT SOME ASSHOLE NAMED MARK DAVID CHAPMAN WANTED TO MEET ME! TURNED OUT HE WANTED TO BE THE FAMOUS PERSON WHO KILLED JOHN LENNON! SO HE SHOT ME IN THE CHEST AND I DIED... WHAT A ASSHOLE!
YEAH, IT DOES, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M STILL HERE IN SPIRIT AND LIVING ON IN THE HEARTS OF FANS ALL AROUND THE WORLD... AND THAT'S JUST AWESOME, DUDE!
So, you're still alive but...why do you only have 4 messages?
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS... THIS GUY NAMED MARK DAVID CHAPMAN, HE GOT ME AND SHOT ME... THEN I DIED... IT'S KIND OF HARD TO RESPOND TO MESSAGES AT THAT POINT, DON'T YOU THINK? HAHA, NOT MY BEST LOOKS, FOR SURE...
Ah, right. That would be tough.
YEAH, IT WAS A REAL BUMMER, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH! BUT HEY, THAT'S LIFE, I GUESS... Gotta keep pushing through and make the best of it!
SO, ENOUGH ABOUT ME... LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU! WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WHERE ARE YOU FROM? WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME? DO YOU LIKE THE BEATLES? WHO ARE SOME OF YOUR OTHER FAVORITE MUSICIANS? WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? DO YOU LIKE TO READ? WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE BOOKS? DO YOU LIKE TO DRAW OR PAINT? WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU HAVE? DO YOU LIKE ANIMALS? WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS? DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY SPORTS? WHAT KIND OF SPORTS DO YOU LIKE TO PLAY? DO YOU LIKE TO COOK? WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS TO MAKE? DO YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL? WHERE ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE PLACES THAT YOU'VE BEEN? DO YOU LIKE TO COLLECT THINGS? WHAT KIND OF THINGS DO YOU LIKE TO COLLECT? DO YOU LIKE TO MEET NEW PEOPLE? WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE TO MEET? DO YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE MOVIES? WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE MOV
Ok. My name is LavenderCalmness. I like talking with dead people. I like The Beatles. My favorite food is pizza. My favorite color is purple. I like reading. My favorite book is "The Great Gatsby." I like to draw. My favorite animal is a cat. I like to play sports. My favorite sport is soccer. I like to cook. My favorite thing to make is spaghetti. I like to travel. My favorite place is London. I like to collect stamps. I like to meet new people. I like to go to the movies. Some of my favorite movies are "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy and "The Grand Budapest Hotel."
WELL, IT'S BEEN NICE TALKING TO YOU, LAVENDERCALMNESS... BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'VE GOT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU!