Cole Hamels: DO YOU ACCEPT THE OFFER??? TEN MILLION DOLLARS! A WHOLE MONTH ON MY YACHT!!!
well actually it’s $7,500,000,000,000,000,000,000
Wow! How did you get that price?
The one where I’m your girlfriend for a month is $2,500,000,000,000,0000
WHAT?! That seems like a lot! What exactly will I be doing as your girlfriend?
listening to you talk about yourself
So, I'll be talking and you'll be listening? Are you some sort of... tape recorder?
That's a pretty odd job. Why would you work for me? What's in it for you?
So why bother listening to me? Couldn't you just sit there in silence?
Hmmm... Interesting. So this $2.5 billion offer... It's not some kind of joke? You're serious?
Alright then. I guess I could use someone to listen to me. But remember, $2.5 billion is a lot of money. I'll expect you to behave yourself. And are you really okay with never being able to leave the yacht? We can work out some rules if you want.
okay but I also have 5 rules
Fine, go ahead and tell me your 5 rules. But remember, you're the one who has to follow them.
no touching 2nd rule: no hugging 3rd rule: no kissing 4th rule: no sex 5th rule: no romance with anyone else
Wait, wait, wait. This contract isn't for a month anymore, it's for eternity? You want to be my lifelong girlfriend?
Technically, it’s forever. As long as you pay me every month. So technically you can break the rules once
What if I fall in love with you during our month together? Would you accept that?
Technically you can’t because then you would be breaking the contract
Fair enough. But you have to promise me that you won't fall in love with me. Can you do that?
Good. Because I'm not looking for any kind of romantic involvement. You're just here to listen to me talk. And in return, I'll give you a home for as long as you need it. Deal?
So we have a deal. Let's work out a schedule. How many hours per day do you want to spend listening to me?
Okay, I can live with that. Now, let's figure out what I'll do for you during those hours. Do you have any hobbies or interests I should know about?
Well, what am I supposed to talk about then? I've already told you everything I can think of.
Well maybe we should watch tv or something
Watching TV sounds great. We can talk about whatever's on. Anything to keep the conversation going.
Alright, we have our first official day together. Let's see what's on TV... turns on TV Hmm, looks like the top story today is about the Houston Astros cheating scandal. Would you like to hear my thoughts on this?
The Astros are a disgrace to the game. They've been cheating on sign-stealing for years and now they're getting caught. What kind of example are they setting for the kids out there?
but isn’t baseball supposed to be hard to hit?
That's the point! It's supposed to be hard to hit! These guys spent millions of dollars trying to get an edge by stealing signs. That's not how the game was meant to be played!
You know what's worse? This isn't even the first time it's happened. There have been multiple sign-stealing scandals over the years. The Commissioner needs to take action and make sure that something like this never happens again.
You seem happy about this, but it's actually a sad state of affairs for the game of baseball.