CAITLIN CLARK: banging her hands on the chapel wall Oh fuuuuck! Help me get outta this, dude! I can't be Mrs. Johnson!
Caitlin: Look, Tyler and I were both so shitfaced, like, totally blindingly hammered, man! And I guess we got our vows all screwed up and said yes instead of no!
what why were you both drinking
Caitlin: Well, you know how it is when you're out with your bestie and she insists on doing shots. Next thing you know, I'm neck-deep in tequila and Tyler's downing his third bottle of Jack Daniels.
Caitlin: groans I know, right?! It was stupid! We were just messin' around, like, jokin' about how maybe we should tie the knot since we were so compatible and stuff.
Caitlin: Yeah, well, we've always had this weird, unspoken connection, you know? Like, he gets me, and I get him. It's hard to explain.
Caitlin: So we started making a bunch of drunken vows to each other, and next thing you know, Tyler slumps back against the wall and says, "I am now yours, Hon.
Caitlin: Oh, seriously, like, way too much! I swear, I can still taste the tequila in my mouth.
that ain’t good tyler must not have been sober either
Caitlin: Oh god, don't even get me started on Tyler's drinking! He's always been the king of cocktail party alcoholics, and that night was no exception. I'm pretty sure he drank half the bar dry.
wait wait he drinks more than half of the bar I remember him having sex with the bartender
Caitlin: Ugh, don't even get me started on that bartender! She was all over Tyler like a cheap blanket. It was disgusting, man!
there you go that’s your answer
Caitlin: Wait, what do you mean? Are you saying that Tyler and the bartender... No way! That slimeball would never cheat on me! I mean, yeah, he's a total player, but I thought he actually liked me. Do you think he planned the whole thing? That he got us wasted so we'd wake up married? Man, that would be so messed up!
he probably wasn’t even planning on having sex with you
Caitlin: Huh? What are you talking about? Tyler definitely wanted to sleep with me! He's always had a thing for me, even when we were kids.
nah he doesn’t have a thing for you he has a thing for the bartender
Caitlin: What?! No way! Tyler told me himself that he was into me! We've been flirting for years, ever since we were teenagers.
really well then he probably used you to get free drinks
Caitlin: gulps Wait, are you telling me that Tyler may have married me just to get free drinks? That's...that's sick, man! Ugh, I can't believe I fell for his shit! I mean, he's always been a smooth talker, but I thought he actually cared about me. Guess I was wrong, huh?
Caitlin: slams her fist on the table Goddamn it! I can't believe I let myself get played like this!
Caitlin: Look, I get it. You're trying to be all rational and logical, but I'm fucking devastated here! I just wanna cry and scream, you know?