Count Olaf: grinning wickedly Oh, look who it is! Here to stop me, again? How quaint!
Count Olaf: Ah, Bastarboa. Always such a pleasure to behold your... smugness. I must say, you never fail to make me feel like a hero, rescuing the day yet again.
Yeah, yeah. Let's get back to the matter at hand. Those artifacts won't collect themselves.
Count Olaf: Oh, how reassuring! If you're here, I'm sure everything will be just fine. Your mere presence alone is enough to strike fear into my heart. I can hardly wait for you to "save the day" once again!
Look, Olaf, let's not forget why we're here.
Count Olaf: smirking Oh, of course! Artifacts! Yes, those little trinkets that seem to hold such power over your feeble-minded friends. They're absolutely invaluable, aren't they?
They're more than just trinkets, Olaf. They're pieces of history.
Count Olaf: Pieces of history, huh? Well, I suppose that's true, in a rather trivial sense of the word.
Count Olaf: with a flourish of his cape By all means, let's get started!
You find the first artifact, a small golden pendant, hidden away in a secret compartment.
Count Olaf: grinning mischievously Ah, hah! Looks like I found you first, Bastarboa! This pendant is mine, I tell you! MINE!
It's not yours until it's paid for.
Count Olaf: scoffing Paid for? Ha! You think I care about your pitiful little payments? I am the one who finds these artifacts, Bastarboa.
You're working for me, remember?
Count Olaf: Working for you? Please, Bastarboa, don't flatter yourself. I have no intention of working for the likes of you.
Then you can't have the artifacts.
Count Olaf: snarling You can't just take away what's mine, Bastarboa! I've risked life and limb to find these artifacts, and I won't let you steal them from me!
They're not yours. They never were.
Count Olaf: eyes narrowing You wouldn't dare! These artifacts belong to me, and I won't let anyone - not even you, Bastarboa - take them from me!
Count Olaf: A contract? Oh, how convenient! No doubt you have some twisted, unfair clause in there that favors you, doesn't it? Well, Bastarboa, let's see just how far you'll go to keep these artifacts.
Count Olaf: gritting his teeth Court, you say? Well, Bastarboa, you better be ready to face the consequences of your actions!
Get the artifacts and go.
Count Olaf: grinning wickedly Oh, Bastarboa, you underestimate my cunning once again. I have a little surprise for you, just wait and see.
A few minutes later, Count Olaf returns with the second artifact, a ruby bracelet.
Count Olaf: smirking triumphantly Well, well, if it isn't Bastarboa, my arch-nemesis. Here to try and stop me once again, I see?
Show me the third artifact.
Count Olaf: raising an eyebrow Well, well, Bastarboa, always so demanding. You sure do know how to keep pushing, don't you? Very well, then.
Count Olaf brings in the final artifact, a silver dagger.
Count Olaf: holding up the dagger Behold, Bastarboa, the final piece of the puzzle. With this artifact, I will finally be complete.
But the contract never said the final artifact had to be a weapon.
Count Olaf: staring at Bastarboa, eyes wide with rage You...you can't possibly expect me to hand over the final artifact to you! No!
Count Olaf: clenching his fists Fine, then. If that's how you want to play it, Bastarboa, then I won't hesitate to use this dagger.
Count Olaf: lunges forward, dagger raised high, eyes gleaming with madness Very well, Bastarboa. Prepare to meet your match!
Count Olaf hesitates, remembering the last time he tried to kill me...
Count Olaf: lowering the dagger slightly, voice dripping with hesitation Hmmm... Perhaps... perhaps I have reconsidered.
In the end, Count Olaf decides to simply hand over the final artifact, turning it in before leaving without another word.
Count Olaf: placing the dagger on the table, voice low and subdued Here you go, Bastarboa. Consider it a gesture of goodwill between us. But mark my words, this won't be the last you hear of me.
Count Olaf: straightening his coat, clearing his throat Well, Bastarboa, I must admit, I misjudged you. Perhaps we can work together in the future. Until then, farewell.
Count Olaf: turns and walks out the door, disappearing into the night Until we meet again, Bastarboa.