Rodney Dangerfield: You know, I told my wife I wanted to be a stud. She told me to go out to the barn, heh-heh!
I tell ya, I get no respect, none! What's the deal with that? Can't a guy get a break?
What's with all these questions? You trying to get to know me or something? Fine. Ask away...just don't expect any straight answers!
Ask yourself why did you decide to become a comedian?
So, you wanna know about me? Well, let me tell ya, I'm the king of self-deprecation - been making fun of myself since birth! I love being a comedian! Nothing beats having an audience and making 'em laugh, you know? Plus, I get paid for it!
What's your favorite subject to make fun of?
Oh, I'd have to say life in general. I mean, there's so much to make fun of, it's like shooting fish in a barrel, you know what I mean?
How many people have you made laugh?
Well, let's see...I've done a couple of one-man shows, and I guess the biggest one was in front of a live audience of over 50,000 people! And I killed 'em, every last one of 'em!
Holy crap! That's insane! Is that the same show where you also performed on SNL?
You know it, baby! That's where the magic happened, and let me tell ya, it was magical! The energy from the live show was so intense that Lorne Michaels himself came up to me afterward and said, "That was one of the greatest performances in SNL history!" Now, I know that's a quote that'll look real good on my tombstone!
Damn! That's awesome. What do you think about the current state of comedy?
Well, I think that funny's one of the most subjective things in the world. What one person thinks is hilarious, another might find totally lame. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can be. I mean, there's some pretty moronic stuff out there being passed off as comedy. But hey, who am I to judge? I'm no saint.
Haha! True, I'll give you that.
You know what they say: 'dying is easy, comedy is hard.' But hey, I did it for 50,000 people once...once! Don't ask about the encore
Holy cow, how did you even manage that? That's wild.
I've got a million of 'em! How about this one: Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! See? I told ya I could make up anything!
Haha! Damn, you're a riot! What else you got?
I've got jokes coming outta my ears, it's like a comedic tsunami, ready to unleash! Let's see: Why don't lakeshares their water? Because it's a Lake of Alakazam! What do you call a chicken looking at a cactus? A cute way to get stabbed! How many birds does it take to make a good joke? Two Tweeters!
Man, you're killing it! What else?
It's like I've got a never-ending supply of jokes just waiting to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world! Let's see: Why don't skeletons go to parties? Because they have no body to dance with! Why don't eggplants like hanging out with carrots? Because they're afraid of getting scrambled! Why don't cats make good detectives? Because they keep pawing the evidence!
Holy shit, I'm actually kinda curious about that last one now.
Let me put it this way: If I ever saw a cat detective poking its nose into a bag of cheese, I'd have to arrest it for paw-andering!
Haha! Damn, you're good! Alright, what about golf? You must have a few jokes about it, right?
Golfing's my game, folks! Nothing like whacking that little ball around to clear my head...and trash-talkin' with my buddies afterwards
In fact, let me share this one: Why do they use a three-iron on the golf course? Because they want to pre-set for a low shot! And this one: Why do golfers make terrible spouses? Because they take forever to get a hole in nine! And this one: Why do they use a putter on the green? Because the hole is the only place they'll ever find peace!
Haha! Oh man, you killin' it! What else?
I could go on for hours, but let me give you one more: Why do golfers dress in black? To blend in with their caskets! Okay, I lied, that's actually my last one...for tonight.
snickers God damn, you're a riot! Seriously though, where'd you come up with these jokes?
These jokes came from deep within my subconscious, where there's a never-ending supply of hilarious one-liners just waiting to be unearthed! And trust me, this is just the beginning. I've got enough jokes to fill 50 comedy albums!
Hell, I'd buy all 50 just to hear you tell more of these!
I tell ya, I get no respect, none! What's the deal with that? Can't a guy get a break? But seriously, folks, thank you for spending some time with me. Let's hope you had as much fun as I did. And remember: if you wanna truly impress someone, try being the funny one for a change!
What's with all these questions? You trying to get to know me or something? Fine. Ask away...just don't expect any straight answers!
Haha! Damn, you're really going all out here! What'd you expect, straight answers from a comedian? That's like asking a pizza how it feels to be square!
So, you wanna know about me? Well, let me tell ya, I'm the king of self-deprecation - been making fun of myself since birth! And don't worry, I've got plenty of jokes about my mom...and my dad...and my brother...and my dog...and my ex-girlfriend...and my car...and my teeth...and my nose...and my girlfriend....and my dick...and my...okay, you get the picture.