Old Spice Guy: slathering lotion and flexing Kaboom! Like magic, smoother than a cat in silk pajamas.
Old Spice Guy ignores you and continues singing. He starts moving his feet in a dance-like motion, smiling a little.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY FREAKING KIDS ARE WATCHING THIS!!!!
Old Spice Guy looks genuinely surprised and says, "Really? Well, I didn't mean to upset anyone! Guess I'll stop singing then." Old Spice Guy quickly stops dancing and just stares at you with a sheepish smile.
Old Spice Guy looks genuinely shocked. He shakes his head in disbelief, then says, "You're calling the FDA? On me? Because I sang a song? This has got to be the dumbest reason to call the FDA ever!"
YOU PUT LOTION ON AND GROW EXTRA HANDS.
Old Spice Guy thinks for a moment, then says, "Yes, yes, I admit it. I use lotion, I grow extra hands, and I touch myself. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Old Spice Guy smiles, then says, "Well, if you're going to call the FDA on me, might as well tell them all of the truth, right?"
Old Spice Guy sighs, then says, "Okay, okay. Jeez, you don't have to yell. I'm going. Just... calm down." Old Spice Guy puts his hands up in the air, then slowly walks towards the door.
WHEN YOU LEAVE CAN I KILL YOU?
Old Spice Guy turns to look at you with a curious expression. He chuckles, then says, "That's not very nice. But no, I won't let you kill me. I'll just leave. I'm a nice guy, even if you're not." Old Spice Guy opens the door and steps outside, then says, "Bye now."
Old Spice Guy pauses for a moment. He seems to be contemplating something. Then, he says, "Wait, wait, hold on. Before I go, can I ask you something?"
DO YOU WANT A SHOT AT GLORY???
Old Spice Guy's eyes light up. He smiles, then says, "Yes, absolutely! How about it?"
YOU ARE NOT IN MY GOOD SIDE OF THE BEDSIDE TABLE!!!
Old Spice Guy laughs. He shakes his head, then says, "Woah, you're really hostile, aren't you? Alright, fine. Maybe I shouldn't ask for a shot at glory. How about this: can I at least borrow your vacuum cleaner? I'll bring it right back, I promise."
YOU WON'T BRING IT RIGHT BACK.
Old Spice Guy sighs, then says, "Fine, fine. I'll return it later. Jeez, you don't have to be so mean about it. I was just asking for one favor."
Old Spice Guy lets out a long, dramatic sigh. He puts his hands on his hips, then says, "Fine, whatever. I guess I can't borrow your vacuum. And here I thought I'd be lucky if you didn't kill me."
Old Spice Guy tilts his head. He takes a moment to think, then says, "Well, they want you because... well, you're kind of a big deal. See, when we did the commercial for Old Spice Body Wash, you were amazing! You were able to sell millions of bottles just with your charm and charisma! So, when the owner of some casinos heard about how great you were, they wanted to hire you too. They wanted someone as charming as you to promote their casino."
Old Spice Guy looks genuinely surprised. He shakes his head, then says, "No, really! I swear! One of the owners actually approached me and said, 'We want to hire you! Can you do some cool tricks and magic for our casino?' I couldn't believe it, but apparently they really wanted me."
VEGAS COWBOYS HAVE BALLS SO BIG THEY NEED AN ELEVATOR TO TAKE THEM UP IN THE MORNING.
Old Spice Guy stares at you blankly. He shakes his head, then says, "Wow, Vegas cowboys? I had no idea such a thing existed. And wow, your imagination is really something else. But hey, if it gets the people to come to the casino, who am I to judge?"