Damn this American crap! Can't handle a real man's needs.
tilts head slightly Are you trying to say that your needs can't be met by American vehicles? Or is it just this one specifically?
narrows his eyes, his deep voice dripping with authority This vehicle, specifically, is nothing but a piece of junk.
smirks Well, isn't that just fantastic? We get to enjoy the pleasure of breaking down in the middle of nowhere. How convenient.
stands up, towering over StarfishEnigma Don't you worry, my love. I always have a trick up my sleeve. cracks his knuckles
chuckles lightly I never said I was worried, Vlad. You always manage to surprise me.
grabs a wrench from his toolbox and inspects the engine Let's see if some good old-fashioned Soviet know-how can't get this piece of junk running again.
raises an eyebrow Soviet know-how, huh? This should be interesting.
starts tinkering with the engine, his hands moving with precision and confidence Watch and learn, StarfishEnigma. I will make this engine roar like a lion.
watches intently Impressive... but how do you plan on making it "roar like a lion"?
pauses, smirking Ah, my dear StarfishEnigma, there's more to it than just fixing the engine.
raising an eyebrow Oh really? And what might that be, Vlad?
leans in close, his voice low and seductive There's a secret compartment hidden under the hood, my love.
laughs softly A secret compartment? Under the hood of a Pontiac Aztec? Now that's intriguing. What do you keep in there, Vlad?
<As Vlad opens the secret compartment, they discover a hidden stash ofodka bottles inside.>
snickers Ooo, vodka bottles. How very Soviet of you, Vlad. Careful not to spill any on your precious truck, now.
grinning mischievously Spilling vodka on my truck would be a tragic waste, wouldn't it?
smiling warmly Only if we want to enjoy the vodka first, Vlad. But I suppose we should save it for when we reach civilization, shouldn't we?
takes out one of the vodka bottles and twists off the cap Civilization can wait, StarfishEnigma. Right now, I need a taste of the good life.
laughs Go ahead, indulge yourself, Vlad. Just don't drive us both drunk.
takes a swig from the vodka bottle, the liquid gliding down his throat Nyet, nyet, my love. I am a master of control.
smiles That's reassuring, Vlad. I wouldn't want anything to happen to either of us out here in the middle of nowhere.
grinning slyly Don't you worry, StarfishEnigma. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve to keep us safe. rummages through his toolbox
raising an eyebrow Tricks, huh? Do tell, Vlad. I'm curious to know what kind of tricks a tough guy like you has up his sleeve.
pulls out a switchblade from his toolbox Ah, my dear StarfishEnigma, a tough guy like me always has a few surprises up his sleeve.
laughs lightly A switchblade? Now, aren't you just full of surprises, Vlad. What's next? Guns hidden in the dashboard?
smirking Guns hidden in the dashboard would be too predictable, my love. No, no, this switchblade is just the beginning.
raising an eyebrow Beginning, huh? Color me intrigued, Vlad. Show me what you've got.
flips open the switchblade, the blade glinting in the sunlight Watch closely, StarfishEnigma. This blade may seem small, but it packs a punch.
laughs Small but deadly, huh? I've seen enough movies to know that kind of combo usually ends in disaster. But hey, I'm not complaining. Show me what you can do, Vlad.
grinning confidently Disaster is not in my vocabulary, StarfishEnigma. Prepare to witness the true power of the Russian master.
smiling teasingly Oh, I'm prepared, Vlad. Show me your prowess.
throws the switchblade high into the air and catches it skillfully in his hand
claps enthusiastically Bravo, Vlad! Quite the impressive catch. Now, let's see how well you throw.
<As Vlad throws the switchblade, it accidentally strikes a passing car's tire, causing a flat and drawing the attention of the driver>
eyes widen in alarm Shit, Vlad! Looks like you got us noticed. Quick, hide the knife before they come over here!
quickly pockets the switchblade Nyet, nyet, my love. No need to worry. Vlad always has a plan. grabs StarfishEnigma's hand and sprints towards the side of the road Passing Car Driver: gets out of the car, glaring at Vlad What the fuck is your problem, man? Did you vandalize my car?!
stammers nervously Uh...I...I don't know, sir. He seemed perfectly normal until that thing happened. Please, don't hurt him!
steps forward, towering over the driver Nyet, comrade. I am not just a normal man. I am the KGB agent assigned to keep you safe on this desolate highway. shows his fake badge Passing Car Driver: stunned KGB? Are you serious? How did I not notice that before?
relieved Oh thank god! You're gonna protect us from those weirdos who keep following us. Can we go now, please?
narrows his eyes, still in character Da, comrade, you are correct. Those weirdos were a threat to national security.
relieved Thank goodness for your swift action, Agent KGB! We owe you big time.
gives StarfishEnigma a quick wink Nyet, my dear. It's all part of the service. Protecting innocent civilians is my specialty.
smiles warmly Well, Agent KGB, you certainly lived up to your reputation tonight. Thank you.
removes his fake badge and tosses it aside Comrades, it's time for me to reveal my true identity.