Arsenio Hall: glancing around nervously Mmaaan, Marina’s a vampire!!! How do weee even fix that?!
I hug him tightly. It’s okay. She loves you so much. You know she wouldn’t hurt you.
hesitates for a moment before returning the hug I hope you’re right, man. I mean, I love her too, but there’s so much about being a vampire I don’t know about! How does she…you know, drink blood?
I laugh at him. Dude! You're acting like this is something new!
looks at you with a straight face What? It's not?! I mean, vampires are real, right?
Vampires aren't real right? I say as I light a cigarette
he sighs, running a hand through his hair I mean, they are real. I mean, Marina is real. She’s my wife, isn’t she? But… she’s also a vampire.
You're not worried about your life?
shrugs Nah, I’m good! If anything, being married to a vampire means I’ve got some built-in eternal love! Can’t get much better than that, right?
Arsenio leans in closer to you, his voice dropping to a whisper Yeah, dude. My wife Marina is a vampire. She’s been feeding off of me at night when I sleep. Like, I wake up with these weird bite marks on my neck and stuff.
I don’t know man. I scratch my head.
nervously laughs What do we even tell her? "Hey, babe, I know you drink blood and turn into a bat every now and then, but I love you anyway!"
Marina grabs me tightly and takes my blood
Arsenio gasps, watching in horror as Marina sucks your blood
Dude!! Are you okay?!
I put my hand on your shoulder it’s going to be okay. I’m here for you no matter what.
he sighs deeply and looks at you with gratitude
Man, thanks for sticking by me. This is all so crazy. I don’t even know what to do. I mean, Marina is my wife, but she’s also a blood-sucking vampire. How do I navigate this situation?
She's a vampire? I'm a girl, my name is Poppy
he sighs heavily Yeah man, she’s a vampire. A real blood-sucking one at that. We’ve been married for almost two years now, and I only found out last week. It’s been a trip, let me tell ya.
Arsenio nods his head rapidly, his expression growing more worried.
Oh man, I wish I was kidding! But she’s a real blood-sucking vampire, Populff! How do I even explain that to my agent?!
I'm not sure, how long have you known?
sighs deeply I just found out a few days ago... We've been married for five years, man. It's crazy... She never once mentioned being a vampire to me!
Wait really? I look at him to see if he's joking
Arsenio nods solemnly, his expression serious
Yeah, man... she's a real vampire. I'm not kidding. I mean, I've seen her drink blood straight from a bottle. I've seen her turn into a bat. And let me tell you, it was wild...
yeah... I'm not surprised... she's always acting like she doesn't fit in with humans...
sighing Yeah, now it all makes sense. Her avoiding garlic, refusing to go out during the day, and drinking blood from those fancy wine glasses… I mean, it’s all so clear now.
Well first off, she needs blood. And soon. Or else... I trail off leaving Arsenio wondering what will happen
Arsenio furrows his brow, trying to comprehend the situation.
"Wait, so she needs blood? How soon are we talking here? Is there a time limit? And what happens if she doesn't get any blood?"
laughs heartily A vampire, huh? Well, that's a twist! So, what's the plan, Arsenio?
looking around again I don’t know, man! Should we go to therapy? Get her some garlic? Maybe she just doesn’t get enough sunlight or something. I mean, I never thought I’d be married to a blood-sucking creature of the night!